What Misophonia Has Been Teaching Us

Last year I was noticing a change in my then 15 year old daughter that was concerning me. She had always been  affectionate, pretty open with me about her thoughts, and generally a cheerful young lady. I began to notice she was less affectionate, she seemed so sad, and that she was hiding away in her room more and more. I was a bit confused by this as we have been working on our family relationships and she was so happy and eager about that.  I could not understand why it felt like she was going backwards.   

One day she came to me, with tears in her eyes and told me that she just needs to be away from me - that I make sounds that drive her crazy, that make her feel like punching the wall. She felt so bad and she felt like she was a bad person for having these feelings.  My daughter was in distress. It broke my heart, I didn't quite know what to do, and I was confused. Wanting to understand, I asked her questions that came to mind and I tried to understand but it was so hard to understand. I tried to process all that she was telling me, my flesh wanted to make it about me, my flesh wanted to think she was choosing this - that she could just choose to think and react differently if she wanted to bad enough… I was in a battle of fighting off discouragement and choosing to trust the Lord. 

One day during a TV show that she enjoys watching, I observed her physically struggling to watch.  I noticed she was experiencing a physical distress as a result of the sounds her brother was making while drinking a fruit smoothie - something they enjoyed doing together.  This physical distress was noticeably increasing within her. As I watched my daughter struggle, the expressions on her face revealed that what she was experiencing was like torture to her.  She suddenly jumped up and ran out of the room unable to stand the sounds anymore or finish watching the show. I went to her and I talked to her, we talked through what happened as best as we could.  I was more convinced that there was more to this than her needing to make a choice to respond, there was something real going on in her.  She was in a great deal of distress, not wanting to hurt her family, and yet feeling so exasperated, fighting off a physical feeling of rage. I felt led to research what she was going through and surprisingly, I quickly found the answer, I discovered there are so many who suffer with this affliction called Misophonia. 

Misophonia is a disorder where a person has an aversive response to a sensation within a context or setting.  With Misophonia, a physical reflex is triggered which makes it impossible to not notice the stimulus. The emotional response is overwhelming and accompanied by strong physical responses such as tight muscles and fight-or-flight responses. 

I joined several FB groups of people who suffer with this and I read as much as I could to understand it. I began to understand that it is usually the person who they are closest to that is their biggest trigger. I am that person in my daughter's life.  I began to see what other people experienced and I began to learn what questions to ask my daughter so I could understand her more.  

That all was SO GOOD, however, within just a day or so I felt dejected from the many comments that people who suffer with Misophonia were posting, the comments revealed people who are tortured by sounds that I, rarely - if ever, notice. I noticed that these people’s hearts were full of anger at the world for making these noises. The way they were handling their situation, the way they were ranting against people who unknowingly make sounds, or who don't understand Misophonia, left me with a feeling of hopelessness for my daughter and for our relationship.  

As I was processing this and feeling myself being drawn deeper toward this hopelessness, the Lord who graciously never leaves my side helped me to see what was happening within me.  He reminded me that the answer is "ALWAYS LOVE" no matter the circumstances.  Yes, love is always the answer to our life challenges. There is nothing that Christ's kind of love can’t help - there is nothing too big for Him. And the Lord gave me the answer of how to move forward with my daughter. Just like I have been learning to do in general, I need to walk in kindness, always being tenderhearted and forgiving, that I need to increase in understanding and compassion for her.  I need to teach her how to live, how to love like Christ loves with her new affliction and how to develop understanding and compassion for those whose sounds affect her and for those who are unable to understand her. I am grateful that she receives my increasing love and understanding toward her and that she is willing to cooperate in learning to love in her difficult circumstances. 

As part of understanding our daughter we are learning to make certain allowances. My husband asked my daughter to participate in a volunteer event and she was very anxious about it because when she went last year there was a person there that triggered her quite badly and she didn't have a place to retreat to, to calm herself. She was also concerned that her dad would not understand. I discussed this with my husband, helping him in the areas he didn't understand about her condition and he went to her and lovingly released her from it. The next thing I knew she came to me with lots of hugs and snuggles, feeling completely understood and loved. 

I am seeing my daughter resurface with being more affectionate and open. When I commented about it to her and asked her what is going on inside of her, she said that she feels understood and that helps her so much, that it helps her to feel like she can come out and be with us more. She and I have been working on our communication about what she is experiencing and developing some tricks to help her cope. I am so grateful that the Lord has answers to everything and that His answers always include His kind of love.

As we have moved forward in this journey talking about it, we have discovered that one of our other daughters also has a physical reflex to trigger sounds as well, and we have also have begun to learn that my husband also has similar responses to certain things.  We are all growing in understanding of each other and validating each other.  We are all learning together about this condition and each other.  We are "in the journey" and there are days that are harder than others and we are working through each day at a time.  

This is something my daughter wrote to me for Mother's Day

The Lord has shown me so much about myself through this. He is truly using this circumstance to go deeper into my heart and work out the muck, to show me more areas I need to surrender and is walking me through more steps of learning to trust Him, to give it all to Him. He continues to teach me to love unconditionally without expectation.  It isn't always easy, but His ways are always simple and His answer is always love. 

The Lord has been gracious and has given me a glimpse of what this situation would have looked like, what my attitude and response would have been like, if my heart was still in the condition it was just a few years ago.  For the sake of my family, I am so glad that He didn't leave me in that condition, I am grateful that He is the one who prepares us for what is ahead. With His love in us, there is a way through every challenge that comes our way. I am so grateful because that  is how He is with all of us. 

You Are SO Blessed

“You are blessed.”  These are the words that I said to my son last night when I called him over to correct him.  He looked at me with a curious smile.

These are not words I would have said in years past when my children were not in agreement or unity over something, and my tone of voice certainly would not have had the kind tones my son was hearing last night.  In years past, there would have been irritation in my voice and a look of irritation along with words filled with shaming.  My main concern in the past would have been mostly about myself and what a bother it was to have to deal with their arguing.  I would have wanted to get this over as quick as possible so I could get back to what I was doing.  My parenting did not embody the idea that "Character training adds time to every duty and every duty ought to stop for character training," as quoted by Marilyn Howshall and that I wrote about in "Character Training Adds Time."    I am so grateful that my children no longer experience the impatient self- centered parenting I just described coming from me.  I am so glad they don’t remember being parented in that way. 

When I saw my son’s curious smile, I asked him if he knows why it is that he is so blessed.  He wasn’t sure, so I told him that the Bible tells us that we are blessed and happy when the Lord corrects and instructs us.  I told him I get the privilege of correcting and instructing him for the Lord.  His curious smile turned into a big grin.  I hugged him and then, knowing I had his heart, I began to ask him what was going on inside of him a little while earlier when he and his sister were having a disagreement.  It was so precious to see his willingness to explain to me what he thought and how he felt when his sister said certain things, at some points tears welling up in his eyes, and then to see his understanding towards her grow as we talked the situation through.  Previous to talking to him, I had already talked things through with his sister, so now they were ready to come together and reconcile, both hearts were pliable and yielded, filled with love for each other. 

It was a blessing to my heart to hear them express their sorrow for how they had treated each other, to hear them express their new understanding of how they had hurt the other and follow that up with asking for forgiveness and a tight squeeze hug and giggles.  Yes, my children are blessed... and so am I… beyond measure. 

With every experience like this I am SO grateful for the love of my Lord, who has helped me to let go of so much and who continues to teach me to love, to live out the overcoming life.  Along with that gratitude comes a gratitude for the ministry of Lifestyle of Learning™ that the Lord brought into my life to help our family learn so much about how to "love like Christ loves."  I am so grateful our family is being rescued by the Lord.

Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man whom You discipline and instruct, O Lord, and teach out of Your law

Psalms 94:12

Character Training Adds Time

A highlight from grocery shopping not long ago was witnessing the loving kindness of a young mamma towards her children. She had two little boys maybe around the ages of 3 and 5 years. The little one did not want to share the little kid shopping cart with his big brother and began to cry as his mamma encouraged him to share.  I noticed she was encouraging the younger son to share even though the older son didn’t show and outward “need” to have a turn at the cart.  She tenderly scooped her youngest son up in her arms and gently talked to him as she snuggled him close to her. His response was to wrap his arms around her neck and sweetly say “I am sorry, Mamma” as his crying waned.  This was such beautiful evidence that she has his precious little heart. It was such a pleasure to watch this mamma in action and couldn’t hold back telling her she was doing a fabulous job with her little ones.

All through the store I saw her teaching her boys and speaking kindly to them, completely focused on them and their hearts. As I was getting ready to check out, her littlest one accidentally knocked over the little kid cart, spilling all the groceries he had collected out. His first words, were “I am sorry.” She kindly said, “It’s okay,” and they picked up the groceries and placed them back in the cart, all in sweet spirits with each other. All throughout the store, I saw her speaking words of kindness to her boys, giggling with them, talking with them, putting her arms around them at times, clearly teaching them about shopping as she pointed out where to take the cart next.  She was fully present with them. I didn't see her pull out her cell phone once, she was fully vested in her boys, they had her full attention. Her kind and generous affection for her boys was SO evident.

As I was leaving the store, she was also checking out and she smiled. I stopped and told her that I have friend who writes books about parenting and who says parenting taking lots of time. I told her it was a delight and a blessing to see her interacting with her children and taking such care and time for them, and I assured her that she is doing a great job with her boys. Her gratitude was so sweet and humble.

It was a true delight and blessing to see this mamma’s interactions with her boys embody Marilyn’s quote.  You can find Marilyn’s writings at Lifestyle of Learning™ .

Examining Cob Webs

My 11 year old son just got his first job delivering papers to our local community a few weeks ago.  On his second week delivering we thought we would try to beat our time for the first week. 

As we got about almost a quarter of the way through I realized we might actually take an extra hour or two as the spider season has begun and there are many spider webs and spiders in the walkways to so many of the front doors of the homes.  Although my son enjoys bugs, he does not enjoy webs and he does not enjoy spiders in webs that he might walk through.  Each house delivery was becoming excruciatingly long as he examined each bush and corner in each walkway for potential spiders and webs.

After several very slow deliveries I realized I was at a cross roads.  I was feeling frustration, at being stopped up and slowed down.  I realized the cross road I was at was the choice to go down the road into irritation which would crush my son or down the road of love, sacrificially helping my son.  Of course I don’t want to crush my son and the only and best choice is always sacrificial love.  I was in the battle of pushing away my irritation with the help of the Lord, when I prayed about what to do instead and the Lord quickly showed me just what my son needed.  As I obeyed what the Lord had showed me, I used a stick we had picked up and became his advocate and cleared the way for him to deliver the paper to the doors.  I also wanted to encourage him to focus on the task at hand and thinking about getting in and out quickly. 

This helped speed things up a little and eventually I thought it was time to let him go on his own on the less “cob webby” walkways…  Though he was doing better, he still stopped and examined potential web hazards along the way some.  We then talked about how we can feed our fears without realizing it by looking for problems.  We talked about doing an overview of the walkway and then keeping our mind focused on the goal of getting the paper to the door, dashing in and out like Flash Gordon without looking at each and every potential problem, but getting the job done.  My son enjoys various super heros and Flash Gordon is someone he could relate with and develop a picture in him mind of.  Daniel, being a young boy of few words, didn’t have much to say, but just kept going.  I could tell it wasn’t easy for him though he just kept going and I kept encouraging him.  I continued to discern which houses to clear the way for him and which houses to let him press forward on his own.

Out of the blue, as we were about half way through what I call the “home stretch,” Daniel said, “What you said came in handy about just focusing on where you need to get to and not look to the sides and corners.”  At that moment his comment was evidence to me that, though he remained quiet throughout the majority of the delivery time, he was contemplating my words inwardly and applying them.  We talked further about how this is a concept that will serve him well through life as he matures and uses it in other areas.  In the end, we did beat our time from the previous week… by 7 minutes.

(My son holding the cob web stick and a paper to deliver)

This makes me think of Hebrews 12:1-2 where Paul encourages us to strip off and throw aside every encumbrance and every unnecessary weight, which often includes fears.  He encourages us to throw away each particular sin that clings to us, that entangles us, that stops us up from growing in the ways of love, that stops us up from loving like Christ loves.  Paul encourages us to look away from the things that distract us, that slow us down from our purpose, but to focus on the appointed course of the race, to our Jesus, who is our Leader, our Source of faith and the One who brings us into maturity, into perfection, who teaches us to love like He loves.

Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us,

Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

                                                                                                                                ~Hebrews 12:1-3

I think of how this applies to my own life, of how easily I can get side tracked from running the race by stopping and spending time entangled in my fears, in my sin... but the thing to do instead is to remember Jesus.  It reminds me that I need to 'moment by moment' be looking to Jesus and not becoming distracted from Him, but remembering He is my Source of faith, that He is the Finisher of my faith, He is the One who is willing to teach me all to help my faith come into maturity and perfection.  I just need to be willing to cooperate with Him.  The question that comes to mind, “Am I willing?”  ... “Are you willing?” ...  Let it be so.

Update Sept. 14, 2013 - My son shaved 70 minutes off of our time keeping his focus on only the spiders in his way to the door.  Victory!