What Misophonia Has Been Teaching Us

Last year I was noticing a change in my then 15 year old daughter that was concerning me. She had always been  affectionate, pretty open with me about her thoughts, and generally a cheerful young lady. I began to notice she was less affectionate, she seemed so sad, and that she was hiding away in her room more and more. I was a bit confused by this as we have been working on our family relationships and she was so happy and eager about that.  I could not understand why it felt like she was going backwards.   

One day she came to me, with tears in her eyes and told me that she just needs to be away from me - that I make sounds that drive her crazy, that make her feel like punching the wall. She felt so bad and she felt like she was a bad person for having these feelings.  My daughter was in distress. It broke my heart, I didn't quite know what to do, and I was confused. Wanting to understand, I asked her questions that came to mind and I tried to understand but it was so hard to understand. I tried to process all that she was telling me, my flesh wanted to make it about me, my flesh wanted to think she was choosing this - that she could just choose to think and react differently if she wanted to bad enough… I was in a battle of fighting off discouragement and choosing to trust the Lord. 

One day during a TV show that she enjoys watching, I observed her physically struggling to watch.  I noticed she was experiencing a physical distress as a result of the sounds her brother was making while drinking a fruit smoothie - something they enjoyed doing together.  This physical distress was noticeably increasing within her. As I watched my daughter struggle, the expressions on her face revealed that what she was experiencing was like torture to her.  She suddenly jumped up and ran out of the room unable to stand the sounds anymore or finish watching the show. I went to her and I talked to her, we talked through what happened as best as we could.  I was more convinced that there was more to this than her needing to make a choice to respond, there was something real going on in her.  She was in a great deal of distress, not wanting to hurt her family, and yet feeling so exasperated, fighting off a physical feeling of rage. I felt led to research what she was going through and surprisingly, I quickly found the answer, I discovered there are so many who suffer with this affliction called Misophonia. 

Misophonia is a disorder where a person has an aversive response to a sensation within a context or setting.  With Misophonia, a physical reflex is triggered which makes it impossible to not notice the stimulus. The emotional response is overwhelming and accompanied by strong physical responses such as tight muscles and fight-or-flight responses. 

I joined several FB groups of people who suffer with this and I read as much as I could to understand it. I began to understand that it is usually the person who they are closest to that is their biggest trigger. I am that person in my daughter's life.  I began to see what other people experienced and I began to learn what questions to ask my daughter so I could understand her more.  

That all was SO GOOD, however, within just a day or so I felt dejected from the many comments that people who suffer with Misophonia were posting, the comments revealed people who are tortured by sounds that I, rarely - if ever, notice. I noticed that these people’s hearts were full of anger at the world for making these noises. The way they were handling their situation, the way they were ranting against people who unknowingly make sounds, or who don't understand Misophonia, left me with a feeling of hopelessness for my daughter and for our relationship.  

As I was processing this and feeling myself being drawn deeper toward this hopelessness, the Lord who graciously never leaves my side helped me to see what was happening within me.  He reminded me that the answer is "ALWAYS LOVE" no matter the circumstances.  Yes, love is always the answer to our life challenges. There is nothing that Christ's kind of love can’t help - there is nothing too big for Him. And the Lord gave me the answer of how to move forward with my daughter. Just like I have been learning to do in general, I need to walk in kindness, always being tenderhearted and forgiving, that I need to increase in understanding and compassion for her.  I need to teach her how to live, how to love like Christ loves with her new affliction and how to develop understanding and compassion for those whose sounds affect her and for those who are unable to understand her. I am grateful that she receives my increasing love and understanding toward her and that she is willing to cooperate in learning to love in her difficult circumstances. 

As part of understanding our daughter we are learning to make certain allowances. My husband asked my daughter to participate in a volunteer event and she was very anxious about it because when she went last year there was a person there that triggered her quite badly and she didn't have a place to retreat to, to calm herself. She was also concerned that her dad would not understand. I discussed this with my husband, helping him in the areas he didn't understand about her condition and he went to her and lovingly released her from it. The next thing I knew she came to me with lots of hugs and snuggles, feeling completely understood and loved. 

I am seeing my daughter resurface with being more affectionate and open. When I commented about it to her and asked her what is going on inside of her, she said that she feels understood and that helps her so much, that it helps her to feel like she can come out and be with us more. She and I have been working on our communication about what she is experiencing and developing some tricks to help her cope. I am so grateful that the Lord has answers to everything and that His answers always include His kind of love.

As we have moved forward in this journey talking about it, we have discovered that one of our other daughters also has a physical reflex to trigger sounds as well, and we have also have begun to learn that my husband also has similar responses to certain things.  We are all growing in understanding of each other and validating each other.  We are all learning together about this condition and each other.  We are "in the journey" and there are days that are harder than others and we are working through each day at a time.  

This is something my daughter wrote to me for Mother's Day

The Lord has shown me so much about myself through this. He is truly using this circumstance to go deeper into my heart and work out the muck, to show me more areas I need to surrender and is walking me through more steps of learning to trust Him, to give it all to Him. He continues to teach me to love unconditionally without expectation.  It isn't always easy, but His ways are always simple and His answer is always love. 

The Lord has been gracious and has given me a glimpse of what this situation would have looked like, what my attitude and response would have been like, if my heart was still in the condition it was just a few years ago.  For the sake of my family, I am so glad that He didn't leave me in that condition, I am grateful that He is the one who prepares us for what is ahead. With His love in us, there is a way through every challenge that comes our way. I am so grateful because that  is how He is with all of us. 

Reversing the Master's Order

 O how often we have sought to be able to pray the effectual prayer for much grace to bear fruit, and have wondered that the answer came not.  It was because we were reversing the Master's order.  We wanted to have the comfort and the joy and the strength first, that we might do the work easily and without any feeling of difficulty or self-sacrifice.  And He wanted us in faith, without asking whether we felt weak or strong, whether the work was hard or easy, in the obedience of faith to do what He said:  the path of fruit-bearing would have led us to the place and the power of prevailing prayer.  Obedience is the only path that leads to the glory of God.  Not obedience instead of faith, nor obedience to supply the shortcomings of faith; no, but faith's obedience gives access to all the blessings our God has for us.  The baptism of the Spirit (John 14:15-16), the manifestation of the Son (John 14:21), the indwelling of the Father (John 14:23), the abiding in Christ's love (John 15:10), the privilege of his Holy friendship (John 15:14), and the power of all-prevailing prayer (John 15:16), - all wait for the obedient.

~Andrew Murray, School of Prayer - 23rd Lesson

   

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I have been reading through Andrew Murray’s “School of Prayer” and this paragraph resonated so with me, particular this sentence:

“We wanted to have the comfort and the joy and the strength first, that we might do the work easily and without any feeling of difficulty or self-sacrifice.”

This statement pretty much sums up my flesh.  This has been changing over the years, but initially this was was really strong in me.  Wanting the milk before the cow, so to speak.  It has taken a process for me to see that the difficulty of seeing my flesh needed to lead me towards gratitude and obedience.  I didn’t initially feel grateful to be seeing my sin, it just felt icky and I wanted to be changed.  Though I had been a Christian for many years, obedience at the heart-level in all the particulars of my life, especially in my relationships at home with my family, was a new and foreign idea to me.  I wasn’t accustomed to the obedience God was actually looking for and I didn’t necessarily want to go through the "process of change," I just wanted to be changed.

Thankfully the Lord doesn’t leave us in the condition we are in.  When we come to see our need to seek Him, He is right there where He has always been right next to us waiting for us to receive His love that has also always been there.  Through my process with the Lord He has shown me that it is suppose to feel icky when I see my sin, and that He is showing it to me so that I feel icky enough to be motivated to do something about it... according to His leading.  There were many times that after seeing my sin I did something, the wrong thing according to my understanding, and He got my attention again drawing me to Himself with correction and instruction on what to do different the next time.  This cycle has been repeating, with the Lord patiently and lovingly correcting and instructing, drawing me closer and closer to Him, showing me what more to surrender and how to walk in obedience and cooperation with Him.  It is through feeling the difficulty and continuing to see our need to increase self-sacrifice, all the while cooperating with the Lord that we can begin to feel the comfort and the joy and the strength.

I still occasionally find myself feeling the difficulty of seeing my sin and I am so thankful to experience God’s presence in the moment reminding me that it is He who is showing it to me and that He is doing so with purpose to help me.  He reminds me that I have a choice to make, and that I no longer have to stay stuck in the difficulty, or go into self-condemnation or self-pity but that I can surrender self and begin to work in cooperation with Him.  He has been helping me put things in order, in His order.

Are you letting God work with you, are you letting Him walk you through the difficult and the self-sacrifice and trusting him for the comfort and joy and strength?  Are you letting God put your life in order, in His order?

                                        Isaiah 55:8-9

                                       “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

                                             neither are your ways my ways,”

                                             declares the Lord.

                                       “As the heavens are higher than the earth,

                                             so are my ways higher than your ways

                                             and my thoughts than your thoughts.

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Scripture referenced above by Andrew Murray:

Baptism of the Spirit

John 14:15-16 (AMP)

If you [really] love Me, you will keep (obey) My commands.

And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever

Manifestation of the Son

John 14:21 (AMP)

The person who has My commands and keeps them is the one who [really] loves Me; and whoever [really] loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I [too] will love him and will show (reveal, manifest) Myself to him. [I will let Myself be clearly seen by him and make Myself real to him.]

Indwelling of the Father

John 14:23 (AMP)

Jesus answered, If a person [really] loves Me, he will keep My word [obey My teaching]; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home (abode, special dwelling place) with him.

Abiding in Christ’s  Love

John 15:10 (AMP)

If you keep My commandments [if you continue to obey My instructions], you will abide in My love and live on in it, just as I have obeyed My Father’s commandments and live on in His love.

Privilege of His Holy Friendship

John 15:14 (AMP)

You are My friends if you keep on doing the things which I command you to do.

Power of All-Prevailing Prayer

John 15:16 (AMP)

You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you and I have appointed you [I have planted you], that you might go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit may be lasting [that it may remain, abide], so that whatever you ask the Father in My Name [as [b]presenting all that I Am], He may give it to you.

But That He May Have You Wholly for Himself

Andrew Murray

In Surrender.  Let Him have all.  Give up your life to be as full of Him, of His presence, His will, His service, as He can make it.  Give up yourself to Him, not to be saved from disobedience, that now you may be happy and live your own life without sinning and trouble.  No; but that He may have you wholly for Himself, as a vessel, as a channel, which He can fill with Himself, with His life and love for men, and be in His blessed service.

I am reading through Andrew Murray's "The School of Obedience" and am finding that I need to read it slowly and thoughtfully with pen and highlighter in hand, as his writing is rich and causes deep thought.  "Give up yourself, not to be saved from disobedience, that now you may be happy and live your own life without sinning and trouble"  That quote struck me and caused me to think about how my motives towards God have so often been self-centered, making efforts to give self up to be saved from disobedience, sin and trouble.  That is "all about me."  As I read "No; but that He may have you wholly for Himself" there is such peace and warmth in that, to fully "belong" to God in full surrender with none of "self" - just Him.

 Yes Lord, my desire is to be wholly Yours, Your vessel, a channel filled with You, with Your life and love for others, to be in Your blessed service.

Yes, there can be none of self in surrender and full obedience, it cannot be about me but it must be ALL about Him.

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"The School of Obedience" audio and pdf 

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